Why “Just Be a Good Listener” Is Bad Advice for New Advocates
By Dr. Kate Watson
“Just be a good listener.”
It’s one of the most common pieces of advice given to new victim advocates. It sounds simple. Reassuring, even. It suggests that you don’t need to have all the answers—you just need to be present and listen.
And listening does matter. But as guidance for someone stepping into complex, high-stakes conversations with survivors of violence, it’s not enough. In fact, it can be misleading because good advocacy is not passive.
Listening Is Not the Same as Knowing What to Do
New advocates often hear painful, complicated stories right away. A client may describe ongoing abuse, conflicting feelings about leaving, fear of retaliation, or frustration with systems that have failed them. In those moments, simply listening can feel insufficient for both the client AND the advocate. And without additional tools, advocates may not know when to ask a question, what kind of question to ask, how to respond to silence, how to navigate strong emotions, how to handle risk without taking over
“Just listen” doesn’t answer those questions. It leaves advocates to figure it out in real time. When listening is framed as the primary role, new advocates may interpret that as a need to step back entirely. They may avoid asking questions for fear of saying the wrong thing, hesitate to guide the conversation, stay quiet even when something important is emerging, miss opportunities to support reflection or insight, and all of this can create interactions that feel stagnant—where the client is talking, but not necessarily feeling more supported or understood.
Listening should create movement, not stillness.
Good Listening Is an Active Skill
Listening, when done well, is not passive. It’s active, intentional, and skillful that includes: Reflecting what you hear in a way that deepens understanding, noticing what is said—and what is not said, asking questions that invite exploration rather than shut it down, validating emotions without reinforcing harm, and tracking shifts in tone, pace, and content.
This kind of listening doesn’t happen automatically. It requires training and practice. Without that, “listening” can turn into: Waiting for your turn to speak, nodding without engaging, and offering generic responses that don’t move the conversation forward.
New Advocates Deserve Better Guidance
Telling new advocates to “just be a good listener” can unintentionally set them up to feel underprepared, uncertain about their role, afraid of making mistakes, and responsible for figuring everything out on their own. Instead, we should be telling them the truth: This work is complex. Listening is important—but it’s only one part of what you need to learn.
They deserve training that includes:
How to ask effective, open-ended questions
How to use reflections to deepen conversations
How to navigate ambivalence
How to manage their own emotional responses
How to stay present without becoming passive